Thursday, September 2, 2010

This Is Why I Have Rules!!!!

I have a few rules when it comes to dating/seeing men/boyfriends......for example.
NO BBM with a boy I'm involved with. It always creates drama. On both ends.
every time I've folded and said "okay, we can be on bbm it smacks me back in the arse". 
They get mad cuz I receive but don't respond...I get mad cuz they bbm me constantly...and on and on....
Another example: NO exercising with boys. I have a friend, let's call her Melanie. She always hikes with guys.
She LOVES hike dates. Me- NOT so much.
Why? cuz ur sweaty, and in ugly workout clothes, and smelly, have swamp crotch and do not look cute. It also doesn't help that I huff and puff and wheeze like a 90 year old biddy who smokes two packs a day.  
(disclaimer: melanie always looks cute on a hike- no bra cuz her nice fake tits stand up straight and perky. a teensy bit of mascara, hair down, and some just see through enough and loose enough shirt that you can tell how "please eat a burger" skinny she is. Yes, I'm jealous)
ONward......So I decide to hike this morning with me new beau.(no I'm not Scottish but sometimes I make a typo like this one and kinda like it, so leave it) 
We are a little over 3 months in...big mistake. Too soon basically.
You see, I get overheated very very easily. It was probably about 89 degrees and the blazing CA sun was beating down right on my head.
Now, there is no..cute hairdo, flushed pink cheeks or pheromones pumping at this point.
Just tomato face, underboob sweat and hairy pasty white legs coming out from under my old faded jazz pants that I have to fold above my thighs I'm so hot.
When I say tomato face I mean looks like someone just smacked me across every inch of my mug with a 2x4 about 150 times.
Or maybe I walked in the Sahara desert for 5 days straight with baby oil on my face.
Or maybe, my friends 3 year old daughter asked me to play circus and she painted my face with dancing poodle blood.
Okay- that was dark.
Moving on......I was hot and bothered and struggling and we had not even gotten to the difficult part yet- the stairs.
"Okay Karla...don't embarrass yourself. You are not THAT out of shape. Pretend your fine. Its almost over. Keep pushing."
I wasn't fine.
I needed to stop over and over again in shady parts of the trail. At this point I am mortified and may just throw up the sunny side up eggs he made for me for breakfast. Ketchup and all.
So we are up the stairs at this point, albeit slowly. I tried my best to push through and act like I can easily handle all this but I am pretty sure it was written all over my face that is throbbing and scarlett like a skinned cat.
ok Gross again. Sorry.
 Let me inform you that this new 7 years my junior. 
Clearly in shape and having an easy time of what seems like MT. Kilimanjaro to me. 
Crap Karla!- you broke another dating younger men. I was waiting for it to bite me in my over sexed ass. Our libidos are in perfect harmony. Clearly our stamina for work outs was not. 
How unsexy, how unattractive for me not to be able to hang on a simple hike. 
I am NOT that out of shape, I just smoked like a chimney and cannot deal with the blazing hot meteor that was sending me into overload like Drew in Firestarter. But an old lady version.
Anyway....We got to the water fountain, I doused myself. Putting mildly cold water on my wrists like my father to cool myself down. Then gulped so much water that I was pretty sure the drive down the canyon was going to make me yuke in his BMW. Again, even sexier.
I warned him not to come near the bathroom in case I blew chunks really loudly. I was mortified for him to hear. Too soon, Too soon.
I took a frozen shower. Wet my hair but didn't bother to actually wash it because my arms were like limp spaghetti. How lazy.
I then laid down in my bed naked and again too exhausted to put any clothes on. I included a photo of that for your viewing pleasure.
Face still piercing red like an orangutans ass.
My loving new beau brought me some water and a cold compress for my forehead.
I rested while he showered off his cherubic glistening sweat.
I have NO idea why, maybe because I was naked but he returned to the bedroom and seemed like he wanted to "get busy".
Did he forget about the near pukefest that almost happened? Or about my inability to keep up with him because I'm old and am on the brink of emphesyma. Does Demi have these issues?
I was immobile and pink faced. Not exactly the Pussycat Doll I used to be.
But I needed to redeem myself. Didn't I?
This young stallion adores me. NO matter what.
Well.....20 minutes later I felt a f&%k of a lot better.
Moral of the story- stick by your own rules.
No hiking with boys.
Okay...scratch that. Its not the moral of the story. I always get my morals f-ed up.  Below is a convo regarding this entry between me and my friend Jhari who is way smarter than I. (her name is Shari but I call her Jhari- private joke)

shari: but edit the moral of your story
shari: haahaha
KARLA: hahaha what's the moral?
KARLA: i don't even know
shari: well you basically tell everyone that you shouldn't exercise with boys but at the end of it, you get sex and feel better and he wasn't at all put off by you
shari: so i'd say the moral is, breaking rules is sometimes more rewarding
KARLA: ahhhhh
shari: its the opposite
shari: because you end up with something satisfying, why would you NOT want that result?
KARLA: ur smart
shari: gracias
shari: it confused me at 8 am but once i had time to think about it
shari: hahaha
shari: i mean, i'd say its pretty fucking awesome if you are in a panic about how you look, smell, etc. and your guy doesn't think anything of it, he just wants to bone you.
shari: like you were all worried for nothing, he loves you for exactly who/what you are
shari: it's pretty great
KARLA: yup
KARLA: it is
shari: moral of the story should be something more like, if you make rules for yourself, you might miss out on learning something much more impressive about your partner
shari: or somethign
KARLA: god ur genius
KARLA: i cant figure out my own morals. shit
shari: hahahha

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